Winnie The Pooh (And Others) Go To Fat Camp
by William H. Bonnie
Summary: Winnie The Pooh has grown in size, literally and figuratively. Now he must go to fat camp and lose weight. Also starring too many characters to count.


Disclaimer: Winnie The Pooh is owned by Disney, Patrick Star is owned by Nickelodeon, Teletubbies, and Buster are owned by PBS, and Eric Cartman is owned by South Park, which is owned by Comedy Central.

Winnie The Pooh was sitting on the couch one day and watching SportsCenter, eating a Triple Cheeseburger with a Large Fry and a 2 Liter Soda. Shawsey Sanders walked in after his workout and was not pleased.

As a former football player, Shawsey Sanders, even in retirement, was a health freak, always trying to stay in shape.

It didn't help that Pooh was laying around his house, eating everything that was not bolted down. So Sanders sent Pooh to a special camp for fat people called Fat Camp. Because he was headed for an early grave. Pooh didn't give a damn, but Shawsey (and the rest of the clan) surely did.

Pooh was so fat, his stomach had its own gravitational pull.

In fact, he was so fat, his ass had its own zip code.

He was so fat that he once stepped on a dollar and made change.

All jokes aside, something needed to be done about Pooh before he literally started eating Shawsey Sanders out of house and home. Pooh didn't have the strength to object, literally or figuratively, so, with a lot of effort on Shawsey Sanders' part, Pooh was in the SUV, and off they went to fat camp.

It was a two-hour drive, and Pooh complained all the way there. But one cannot burn calories by complaining, only diet and exercise.

At the fat camp, Pooh saw characters such as Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po, fat Buster, fat Tony (former Simpsons Mob Boss), Patrick Star, Mr. Fatty Fat-Fat (Garfield The Cat), Big (from AOSTH), Dr. Ivo Robotnik, and Eric Cartman.

The fat characters stand at attention before a 6'8 black man walked into the room. He was a former football guard who served in the military and meant business.

"I'm Sergeant Gray, your fat camp counselor. I am here to train you fat and slovenly sons of bitches and turn you into lean, competent sons of bitches. You are disgusting pukes and fat bodies and I can't stand to look at you. I don't know how in the hell you people got so fat, but it's not good. You are gonna suffer heart disease, strokes, cancer, and eventually DIE. I don't know why the hell some of you can't stop eating, but that's why I'm here. I am here to motivate you-"

"This is a load of bullshit..." said Pooh.

"Who the fuck said that?" Yells sergeant Gray. "I am going to make you all run until you pass out if you don't tell me straight up who the hell it was! It was YOU, you orange cheeto fuck wasn't it?"

"Hey, man, you've got the wrong person!" yelled Garfield with mouth shut.

"Answer me, goddamnit or I will rip your fucking throat out! I bet it was you!" replied Gray.

"It was me, you dumbass." replied Pooh.

"Oh. Looks like we have ourselves a comedian. I admire your honesty. You know what, you were my favorite children's character growing up. Maybe I'll let you take my sister behind the woodshed to fuck her." said sergeant Gray.

"You got any pics of her, brah? I wouldn't object to some-" Sergeant Gray punches Pooh in the stomach so hard, he falls to the floor.

"Listen to me, you lard fuck! You are not gonna laugh! Nor are you gonna cry! You better un-fuck yourself right now, or I will shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll be tasting my shoelaces." Gray then walks away.

Pooh scoffs as Gray walks away. "Jeez, man, are you on the rag or something?" he mutters under his breath.

"Watch it, fatbody." says Gray, turning back and glaring at him.

"What's your excuse?" Gray asks the next character.

"What the hell do you mean, dipshit?" asks Cartman.

"I ask the questions, not you! Do you understand?" yells sergeant Gray.

"You better back the fuck up outta my face homeboy." Cartman shoots back defensively.

"Do something then." Gray gets within two inches of Cartman. "What are you gonna do, Eric? I'm calling your bluff." Silence. "TAKE OFF ON SOMETHING!"

Sergeant Gray then hears a high pitched giggle.

"I'll deal with YOU later." he says, walking away. "What is so goddamn funny?" asks Gray, glaring at Tinky-Winky.

Tinky-Winky giggles again. "Tinky-Winky!" He then jumps in the air, giggling and being silly. Gray is nowhere close to being amused.

"Yes, I know your name is Tinky-Winky, and I know that you are a disgusting fat body." said Gray. Tinky-Winky tilts his head to one side.

"Am I funny to you, fat fuck?" asked Sergeant Gray. Tinky-Winky does not respond. "DO I FUCKING AMUSE YOU? Answer me!" No response.

"Wipe that goddamn disgusting grin off your face NOW, Tinky-Winky." says Gray.

Despite that fact that Tinky-Winky's face is frozen except for his eyes, Gray doesn't realize it. He then orders him to his knees after Tinky-Winky refuses to stop grinning, and grabs him by the throat and chokes him until he faints.

"Listen to me all of you fat-asses. If you don't make some form of improvement within this program, I will fuck all of you up, is that understood?"

"Sir yes sir."

"I can't hear you."

"SIR YES SIR."


End file.
